I was mostly quite average at school. I flunked the 11 plus. In the lead up to it I was so anxious about it, I got shingles. I can still remember being in the dining hall at primary school with the waft of spam and noodle soup and roast potatoes gathering pace whilst my panic peaked as the teacher announced there was 5 minutes left of the exam. I meanwhile, was still stuck on page 3 sweating over a maths question that was worth 1 point. So off I went to another school where I always considered myself to be just coasting along and being the master of absolutely nothing - just a grade B’ish student across the board. I hovered around middle sets except for French where I was in top set. Me? In a top set? YESS! It was tough at the top but it was a chance for me to experience what the clever kids must feel all the time. A kind of deep inner calm that was in truth, belief in yourself plus a little bit of smugness.
The teacher was brutal - if you were seconds late she’d make you stand in front of the entire class and explain in French the reasons why you were late. If you needed a reminder about how bad you were at the language, this was it - you would feel wholly incompetent and totally embarrassed being put on the spot and would end up just saying English words in a French accent to just get your ass sat down and away from the front of the class. I remember she also had the most unappetising feet for sandals (to much class sniggers) and extremely goofy teeth like her lips were not big enough to close around her pearly yellows, but, she was a great teacher. She pushed me because she believed in me. And in the end, she was right; I smashed the exam and got an A+ in my GCSE, the highest grade I have ever achieved.
So having toiled and cried over the weird, illogical French grammar and swotted over pages and pages of columns of vocab (French words on the left, English words on the right) I decided to keep going and study it at A-level and then eventually Uni. In the mire of learning and having to keep going over and over the same drills, somebody pointed out at a particularly low point during revision that at least it wasn’t English I was trying to learn because really it is one of the hardest languages to learn. Ok it’s not Mandarin but there are many challenges. Such as when a person learning English collars you and asks you to explain the word ‘get’ and when to use it (which someone once did and I had no idea how to reply).
I mean let’s think. I got a new bike, I got a cold, I got dinner out, I got ready, I got there in the end, she really gets to me. There’s a lot of different uses there - how do you explain this to a somebody who is trying to learn English? As I found out, with difficulty. Before that question I had never ever thought about it and the multiple meanings and uses of get/got. It even looks weird when you keep reading it over and over, like the g and the o and the t don’t belong in that order.
The other word that is also difficult to explain the contexts and uses of (excuse the expletives for the rest of this post), is the word, shit. During a conversation the other day, my friend and I were laughing out loud thinking about all of the possibilities and the myriad of definitions that this little simple word holds in its capacity. Depending on what words you say it with and of course like any swear word, how you say it. It needs some gusto, it needs commitment and it needs conviction.
Here’s my list - feel free to add yours in the comments:
Shit! - a strong ‘oh no!’
Shit on it - damn it (immortalised by comedy show, Friday Night Dinner)
Apeshit - out of control due to madness or excitement
Batshit - go crazy/insane
Dogshit - very low quality
Dipshit - idiot
I shit you not - I’m not lying
I’m not shitting you - I’m really not lying
Shit the bed - shock horror
No shit - amazement/disbelief also sarcastic agreement
Lose my shit - lose your temper
Shit you up - scare you
Full of shit - lying
Shit show - badly organised
Shit loads - lots of
Shit a brick - scared
Deep shit - in big trouble
Jack shit - nothing, zero, nada
Pigshit - thick as..
Crock of shit - rubbish/useless
Bag of shit - not feeling well
Shit scared - really frightened
The shit! - excellent, top notch
Talking shit - talking nonsense
Don’t give a shit - couldn’t care less
Up shit creek - in deep trouble (if it’s without a paddle, it’s worse).
Shit hits the fan - when it all comes crashing down
Shit stirrer - someone who causes trouble
Shit faced - drunk
Bullshit - nonsense
Get shit done - get through your to do list
Tough shit - nope can’t change it
Shit happens - it is what it is
Shit sandwich - good news, then bad, then good in one sentence
Get your shit together - sort yourself out
I am sure the list goes on….
So if you think that learning a language is hard then perhaps flip it around and thank your lucky stars you can speak and understand one of the more challenging languages to learn. And if you want to explain to a non speaking English person the vagaries, nuances and different uses of the word shit and what each turn of phrase means, I’d really rather you than me. I shit you not.